When I think of self-love I think of the basis of what it means to love ourselves. It means acts of self-care, self-acceptance, and means focusing on self-talk and the tone and words of our inner voice.
The way I was talking to myself was incredibly offensive. I remember a specific time several years ago when I lost my wallet. I called myself every terrible name I could think of. I tore myself verbally. I was so stupid. I couldn’t do anything right. Shit like this always happens to me.
It went on and on. There was a happy ending because I found my wallet. But I still think about that day and the way I talked to myself. I guess the reason it bothers me so much is because I knew better at that point in my life. I’ve spent my whole life with this evil voice in my head that tore me apart at every opportunity and worked hard to change it.
That day I felt as if all my work had been revealed.
But the reason I remember it so clearly is because it was the last time I spoke to myself in this way. I still get frustrated, and the voice inside my head isn’t always 100% nice, but she’s friendly. I rely on her to get through the tough times.
When I worry that the voice in my head is comfortable. When I’m afraid to step out of my comfort zone, that sound is encouraging. It is very different from the sarcastic, hateful voice, which I told you, which was living rent-free in my head.
Let’s talk about how to change your self-talk.
My biggest advice: Speak again. We tend to accept that inner voice that says whatever it wants to say. But the truth is – we can often teach her how to be kinder. Think of it as teaching yourself morals.
When your inner voice isn’t pleasant – here are a few things you can try.
Where is the evidence for this idea? This is useful when your voice pretends to know everything and says things like “Nobody loves you” or “You’ll never be able to do XYZ.” What is the evidence for the validity of the statement? There is no. Even if you’re going through a tough time like disagreeing with a friend or breaking up, it doesn’t mean it Nobody Like you.
“Who told me that and why should I believe him?” My partner struggles with this. He was subjected to a lot of abuse as a child and his father constantly underestimated him. He’s in therapy and it’s working through him but the voice in his head often reflects things that were said to him as a child. Sometimes our inner voice is “taught” how to talk to us by people who have offended us.
“Shall I say the same to someone I cared about?”
or “What would someone I care about tell me?” This is a good exercise because often people with their inner voice are so kind and compassionate on the outside, we have trouble turning that inward. If you’re really struggling with what your inner voice has to say/sound – think of it as a friend’s voice. You wouldn’t tell your friend that they’re worthless because they made a mistake, so it’s easy to see how painful it is to use that language toward yourself.
“Really really “Always” or “never” or am I just frustrated? ” Your inner voice can do this thing called circular. If you did something wrong, or even several wrong things, this tells you so Always do wrong things. But none of us have a 100% failure history. So it’s always and never unrealistic.
“Do I expect to be perfect?”
Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes and misunderstands things even Fail. that’s good. It’s not the end of the world though sometimes it feels.
“How can I paraphrase this?” Paraphrasing is a fancy way of saying looking at it from a different perspective or creating a different narrative around it. I like to add modifiers to my inner voice. “So far. At this moment. But…”
So, “everything is miserable.” It turns into “everything is miserable now.” Which is a more accurate way of looking at it.
“What did you learn from this? What is the positive?” Sometimes things are bad but often positives come from them. Try to remind yourself of them.
Self-talk doesn’t have to be positive.
You can shoot neutral or realistic. The idea of moving from negative self-talk to positive self-talk can be daunting. Baby steps count!