One of the most popular relationship therapists, Esther Perel, offers tips for keeping your relationship sparkling. It tells you how to get your partner to do what you want without being a whiner.
Defending yourself is something not many people are good at. You ask your partner for something, but exactly in a way that you won’t really get. Sometimes the question turns into a veiled criticism of what the other person didn’t do right. And sometimes you ask something in a tone that shows that you have already decided what the answer will be. This is how we ask our questions, rather than just saying what we want.
the meaning
Why do we already do that? Asking for something makes you vulnerable, and that can be scary. But in a relationship, that’s part of saying, “I deserve to have what I need,” as well as knowing what it is. So in this questioning is a lot of our self-esteem, our relationship history, our sense of security and trust. Suppose you were told as a kid: “No, you can’t have that,” or the things you need are waved away with “What are you going to do with that?” Now, you may find it difficult to say what you want in a relationship, or even know what you want. Then you may need to work on it.
exercise
Sometimes I give my clients this exercise: think of such a request, and repeat it several times, emphasizing a different word in the sentence. Then notice how the meaning changes. Take, for example, the question, “Can you come with me tomorrow night?” It can be like, “I’d love it if you came with me tomorrow,” or like, “You’ll never come, so I don’t know why I’m bothered.” With the latter, here’s what you’re actually saying: “I’ll tell you now that I’m assuming you don’t want to come with me.” Requests within relationships are full of these kinds of hidden messages. If you really want an answer, get to the point and not communicate through the underlying message.
Ask for exactly what you want so you can get it, rather than being preoccupied with a torrent of complaints about what you don’t get – because that means you won’t get what you really want.
What do you want exactly?
Ask yourself this question: will your request get you what you say you want, or will it get you into a fight or a quandary? When you say, “We never go to the movies,” what exactly do you want? Do you want to go to the movies or do you want to blame your partner for making yourself believe that their job is to make sure you go to the movies regularly? If you really want to go to the movies this week, just say, “Shall we check our calendars and make a date to go to the movies?” The request can also take the form of a statement: “It would help me a lot if you text me often during the day.” Or: “I would really appreciate it if you told us the days when you don’t come home until late.” And: “It would be great for me to come with me to my dad next week.” All of these statements show that your partner is important to you and that they can contribute to your happiness. When you do it this way, you confirm the idea that people like to be asked for help, that they are important, and that they are important.
whine
I often hear from women that they are afraid of asking too much, afraid of being upset or driving their partner away, afraid of “grumbling” (a pejorative term used against women).
The reason men hate what they find annoying is partly due to the fact that men are taught to never ask for help with anything. So they’re like, “I’m really not asking for anything, and she’s not doing anything but asking.” (Women are usually taught not to ask for too much, and men to never ask for anything. So you only have losers.)
The second problem men have is the idea that they can’t do something. So they ponder a question that suggests they can’t do anything right. Nobody likes to feel like they’re constantly doing everything wrong. In my practice, I often see men in bad relationships who are tired of feeling guilty. When a man says, “I’m going to find a woman who isn’t too upset about everything,” he basically means, “I want a woman who doesn’t make me feel bad all the time.”
evaluation
The key is learning how to ask your question in a way that doesn’t make your partner feel like they did something wrong or failed again. It is important to regularly say that you are happy with the things he does well. Show it is not clear. If I tell you a lot that I really enjoy the things you do, I can sometimes ask something without immediately replying, “What’s that? What did I do wrong again? Then it’s not a veiled complaint but a real request. Your relationship grows as you both learn how to ask things about each other as partners without a tone of criticism or guilt.Then it’s about ‘what I want/need from you’ and not ‘what you didn’t do for me’.
realticomfort
Learning to question requires some practice. Once you find it easier to express your needs on a regular basis, not every order will become a risky situation. However, you should also realize that not every request will be granted – and your partner will have to put up with your frustration. He’ll probably say no, and then you’ll go crazy, but these two have to get along and you’ll get through it. You get some kind of comfort in a relationship when you can always ask each other a few things. Sometimes you get what you want, other times you don’t, but then you can accept that and you can always ask a new question. “Would you like to go out with some friends tonight?” “No, I’d rather stay home tonight.” “Okay, I’ll go and see you later.” “okay have fun.” If these questions and answers become very smooth, and without tensions, the relationship grows exponentially.
Text: Esther Beryl
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